The Height of Arrogance

I grew up a pretty shy guy and I always admired my older brother's knack of being able to start conversations and make friends. One time I asked him how he did it and his answer to me began to shape my life from that moment forward. He told me to "know a little about a lot of things so that you can have something in common with just about everyone. Then when you find that commonality, ask them a lot of questions about it."

His counsel set me down a path of curiosity fulfillment where I began not only to do what he said about asking questions, but also where I began to read up on a wide variety of topics. The advent of the internet has only hastened this process in me by giving me virtual access to people all over the world to read about and communicate with through blogs, facebook, chat, videos, and numerous other ways of communication - not to mention instant access to libraries of newspapers in any one of about 200 countries at the push of a button. Over the years seeking deep knowledge and peculiar information about other cultures has become a sort of a hobby for me - something to kill time, build new friendships, and to satiate my curiosity.

Part of this curiosity led me to speaking in some depth to people of very different faith backgrounds than my own and learning not only what they believe and why, but how what they believe may differ significantly from the nominal faith that we think of when we hear the name of their religion. What I found is that very few people actually fit neatly into a "religious or philosophical box". Very few believe or practice 100% of the tenets of the group that they may associate with by name.

That being said, I have found certain beliefs that are commonly shared by many people of these groups that don't seem to make much sense to me when I examine them. One of the things that I've always found a bit odd about many hardline Muslims, for instance, is their insistence that God somehow needs help defending himself against infidel non-believers. This is how jihad is justified. Somehow, killing people in cold blood because of their belief system is considered a godly act. Our Western mindset easily dismisses this type of thinking as silly because we consider ourselves more dignified and civilized - choosing to fight our battles in the arena of the mind instead of with the sword. To me the Muslim stand on this issue is one of arrogance, essentially saying that God has appointed them as the arbiter of truth, judge, jury, and executioner.

A while back I began reading some of Gandhi's thoughts as they related to the missionary attempts to convert the Hindus to Christianity in the early 20th century. He found their conversion attempts to be curious as the people seemed more interested in winning a convert to a religion than they did in shaping and developing godly character in their converts.

Similarly I have spent a lifetime in a religion that has taught me that only people "like me" will see heaven and anyone who professes an association to another faith (or who hasn't even heard of my faith) is doomed to suffer an eternal punishment and damnation. A preacher that I heard at my church recently went so far as to make the bold claim that 2 billion people in this world have not ever heard the name of Jesus, yet they were "born guilty sinners" so they were destined to spend eternity in hell unless we abandoned our big homes, sold our possessions, and rushed over there to tell them the "good news about Jesus Christ."

In reflecting on this, I find it every bit as arrogant as the Muslim attempt to reshape the world in their image, albeit more socially palatable due to its non-violent method of conversion. Nonetheless it still makes God into an impotent being that requires our help to get his will accomplished. He "needs" us. I guess thinking that can make some people feel important for being the bearers of that news, or for possessing the hidden oracles of God that others are oblivious to. If God truly "needs" us to accomplish his will, he's a pathetic God and I don't want to serve him. Likewise, if he stands ready to condemn someone to the eternal fires of hell simply for being born in the wrong place at the wrong time, he's a sick and deranged God and I don't want to serve him.

My understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he did what he did - living the perfect life and sacrificing his life, even unto death on a cross - because we (mankind) needed a bridge to God, a justification of the entire human race. With his life and death, he bridged that gap. With his message, he taught us how to act to align our own spirit with his so that we could have the same life in us, and have it abundantly. He taught us how to deny ourselves and submit ourselves to God. I assert that Jesus' life and sacrifice is sufficient to sanctify and justify anyone in the world who seeks to submit to the spirit of God, however that person knows to do that. His teachings appear in the principles of virtually every religion and philosophy in the world. I assert that if someone is seeking to please God, they will find his spirit and the teachings of Jesus anywhere in the world. This is not to say that I believe rote recitation of any particular religion is sufficient to earn someone a ticket to heaven. I believe with all my heart, though, that God is more interested in developing our character than in getting us to proclaim an allegiance or a creed with our lips. I also believe that his character is such that he would never create someone only to subsequently doom them to hell because of lack of opportunity. There must be another answer beside the arrogant one that places us on a pedestal of importance to God and his work.

Maybe my answer isn't right, but if it's not, I'm convinced that the alternative is not, as well.

Conundrums

I always hesitate to write blogs like this - blogs about judgmental attitudes can often point back to myself as having been judgmental in the very writing of the blog. I suppose that's true. In advance, I beg forgiveness for the likelihood that in my own meditation and ponderings I've played God and judged the heart of fellow people based solely on my observations and thoughts. This blog is not intended to stand in judgment of anyone, but it is the result of me digging in to my own faith journey and finding out what the whole point of it is and what it is that I even believe in.

I've talked many times about my spiritual upbringing - it's quite diverse. Was raised in an ultra conservative Southern Baptist home with a mom who thought sex was a dirty word and a dad who thought he should leave his stack of playboys out on the coffee table for visitors to enjoy. My church said that emotion was ungodly and "dangerous" and should never be expressed towards God. I attended Lutheran school for seven years where I was required to memorize bible verses and say the apostle's creed for a grade. After elementary school each day I would spend several hours with an older extremely pro-Israel couple who loved me and my mother dearly. They actively studied biblical numerology, astrology, and biblical end-times prophecy while smoking about four packs of cigarettes a day and throwing around cuss words like they should be part of any fourth grader's vernacular. My mother taught me to *appreciate* (and use) extrasensory perception and other spiritual phenomenons while also telling me that rock and roll music was from the devil.

I later attended some charismatic churches where I witnessed some pretty amazing stuff. People speaking in different languages that they did not know, people with some nasty ailments being prayed for and healed, people becoming "drunk" in the spirit and being "slain" in the spirit to the point where they fell down and occupied a semi-conscious state for several minutes. Most impressive to me were the prophecies being uttered by "strangers" to me and the congregations, saying stuff so poignant that no one could have made that kind of stuff up. I also remember on several occasions have worship experiences that were so deep and meaningful that I was literally brought to tears in the service.

Different as these experiences have been, one thing has remained constant... there are good people and bad people in each place. My spirit has found both kinship and enmity in all of them. There are attributes of each experience that I think have positively formed me in some way - and there have been experiences in each that have left a deep and powerful negative mark, as well.

I recently attended a meeting that was primarily attended by charismatic believers where we had a great time of prayer and prophetic ministry. I have missed this depth of communion with God in prayer and was feeling the longing to be a part of that kind of church body again...when I subsequently was also met with such a "religious spirit" of condemnation and judgment, arrogance, fakery, and spiritual pride that I just wanted to run away and never return.

Many times I have considered changing churches so that I could find that group of people whom I could feel "at home spiritually with". But the more I look, the more I don't think that group of people exists - the closest that I have found don't even technically share my Christian faith. I deal with the conundrum of what to do with this faith that I proclaim. Indeed, I often wonder aloud exactly what my faith is even in. I hear people proclaim a Christian faith and then deny living the life that Jesus would urge living and the message that he taught. Makes me wonder what their faith is in, as well? They proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God and thus they consider themselves a Christian. Or some of the charismatics pray in tongues and prophecy, yet do not follow the simple commands that Jesus taught. I wonder what the point of that is? You either believe the message or you don't. It's either a part of who you are or it isn't.

I have largely found myself drawn to the people who just want to be real. If the word "shit" is on their lips, the word "shit" comes out of their mouth. If they are in the midst of a crisis of faith, they don't try to "fake it until they make it". If they stub their toe, they tell you it hurts. They do their best to be honest about everything - the bad AND the good. Not to say that it's a good idea to intentionally offend people or to live in a state of negativity; rather I'm saying I've grown weary of guessing about people's real state of mind. I'm weary of hearing someone preach "dying to the flesh" and then proceed to cling to wealth and possession over relationship. I'm pretty much done with hearing any word of instruction from any person of faith who does not have the capability to ask forgiveness for one of their actions that caused hurt and division. I prefer an honest and humble agnostic who smokes weed on the weekends to a degreed and decorated pastor who is afraid to admit his faults and shortcomings. In fact, there are many in the church who would actively tell me that it is my duty to avoid befriending that humble agnostic.

I don't want to abandon the "church" as a result of this, but I truly am in a conundrum over to what extent to be involved. I want to know and fellowship with the God of the universe, but I'm not real interested in associating with many of the people who call themselves his ardent followers. I love the grace and the blessings that flow from on high...but I think that so many "believers" have yet to allow that part of God to flow through their lives. I want to fellowship with those who are "real", but I don't want that reality at the expense of depth with God.

I have no answers. And when I have no answers inclining me to change course I generally take that to mean that I need to continue doing what I'm doing and stay on the same heading. I'm quite certain I still won't fit in anywhere. But I guess life's purpose is not for me to fit in somewhere... it is to do my best to be conformed to the image of the Son, letting his life flow through me, regardless of what goes on around me.

And so the conundrum continues.

Cycles

Even though it was a scorching 85 degrees today, most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and the summer annual plants are either already dead or they are starting to look dry and diseased. The bugs that used to prolifically fill the ground and busily swarm around my head have slowed down and dwindled significantly in number. As a result, the spiders that used to be well fed and commonplace are now much fewer and with a much "cleaner" web than would have been the case a month ago.

I happened to be standing near two of the remaining spiders today and I wondered as i stared up at them if they knew that they were going to die soon. While I know this probably seems like something silly to ponder, I really wondered it. (Several months back I watched a spider move with great dexterity and purpose as he not only trapped, but deliberately reacted to the movements of his escaping prey. I believe they can think.) If they are somehow aware of their impending death, I wonder what compels them to keep at it.

Similarly, I have been unable to escape the recurring thoughts of meaninglessness recently. It's not like it's always been this way. In fact there have been cycles of my life in which life seemed to have great purpose...only to be followed by other cycles in my life in which life seemed to carry nothing but pain. This, I am sure is no different than the others. But the thing that sets this cycle apart is that it seems far less deliberate than the other cycles. In those times I seemed to have defined goals - whether those goals were spiritual, career oriented, or relationship driven - and as such were under my perceived control. Now I seem to be at the mercy of the wind and the waves. It's almost a helplessness where you feel compelled to do something, yet you feel as though to do it will yield an unsatisfactory result, so you do nothing. Even the work that does seem to be goal-oriented doesn't seem to carry the same satisfaction that it once did as the reward for finishing the task doesn't seem as appetizing as it once may have appeared.

I know there are still worthy pursuits in the world, and I still find joy in soul conversations. But the truth be told, I am finding less and less to talk about that actually seems to matter. It's kinda like that spider who's thinking about his impending death in two days, yet wondering what's for dinner tomorrow night? Why would he even care? I suppose it's to derive whatever joy he can from the days that he's got left.

Past cycles have told me that tomorrow is a new day and this too will soon give way to yet a new direction in my life. I'm quite anxious to see that that new day and new direction will bring, because I can deal with many things in life, but lack of purpose is not one of them.

Until then, I'll sit down like everyone else and count my Thanksgiving day blessings and try to be the man that I want to see in the world. Perhaps that's my purpose and I'm not even focusing on it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone...

What's it all for?

I was standing outside in the wind this autumn morning when I looked down and saw a couple of fuzzy catterpillars scurrying near my feet. One of them was running at top speed, heading "who knows where" until he ran into a roadblock. Upon encountering this obstacle, he quickly turned 90 degrees to the right and resumed his sprint somewhere else...until he hit another roadblock and the experience was repeated. This fuzzy little creature was in a hurry to get somewhere but I'm not sure even he knew where that was. It seemed he was just gonna run until he got "there", wherever there is - probably thinking he would intuitively know when he was at the right place.

Recently I've felt a lot like that little catterpillar. Scurrying around somewhat directionless, running like I've got somewhere to go and no time to get there, but not really sure where it is that I'm going, nor how to know when I've actually arrived. Everything simultaneously seems to be of utmost importance and yet of no significance. I find it almost humorous to see the goals and dreams that each of us set, thinking that when we achieve those goals or dreams that somehow we will have found what we were looking for all along. But for many the dreams are ever elusive and for others who manage to achieve them, they seem to be nothing more than a big missed expectation.

Many have told me that I need to find my "life's purpose" and set about giving my time and energy to such a pursuit as that which fulfills that life purpose. So I find a few things that seem to align with it and pursue them. to some degree, there is life there. But today's life is tomorrow's heartache. Whether it's seeing others trample on and reject your prized "purpose" or whether it's a partial achievement of it with the full knowledge that the fullness of the achievement will never be realized, it all seems rather pointless.

Live life for the moment, I guess is what I come back to. I know there is no life in achievement, accumulation, or status. I know that even the wisest of men are thought fools by most of their contemporaries, so even the high pursuit of knowledge and truth is rather meaningless.

Yet it seems like there should be more of a point to it all. What, indeed, is it all for?

I don't know.

But I'll keep seeking, and try to find the motivation to play the games that other people demand be played. I'll try to respect all those scurrying catterpillars in my path for wherever they are going so quickly. I'll try to find a reason to keep caring even when people seem to reject the care that's offered. And maybe some day I'll find my answers. Or maybe, like the catterpillar, I'll eventually even stumble upon my "there" destination.

Or maybe not.

Mind over matter

Some of the "spiritual" experiences that I have are not only foreign to most people, to some they are downright freaky. A person who has yet to embrace the interconnectivity of the mind/spirit/body might think some of the things that I've experienced are pretty strange, indeed - and in my recollection of some of the events I've almost lost a couple friends over it, just by mentioning it to them. Others are more open to such things, and those people are usually quick to ask questions and share their own unique experiences with the supernatural. I was introduced to the spiritual by my mother when I was a pre-teen. She had always had a fascination with things like extra-sensory perception (ESP) and telekenesis (manipulation of an object with only the power of the mind) and she would talk openly about these things with me. On several occasions I remember her attempting to train me to "hear" her thoughts. On a few occasions, the mental telepathy worked and I correctly heard what she was attempting to tell me using only her power of thought. I also remember her encouraging my sisters to "think" to certain boys that liked them whatever thoughts that they wanted to convey. Some might call this dabbling in the occult. But my mother loved the Lord and taught us in His ways, so I don't think I'd agree with them.

A cure for hiccups
When I was in high school, I took my first psychology class. It taught me about a psychological therapy called bio-feedback wherein a patient was connected by electrodes to a series of computers that allowed the patient to monitor their physiological condition while practicing various techinques of concentration, relaxation, or quasi-meditation. The patient would use the feedback of the computers to know when the relaxation techniques that they were doing were altering certain physiological functions like heart rate or blood pressure. This "loop" would allow the patient to teach herself to manipulate her body in the way that she wanted it to be manipulated, and thus provide a natural cure to whatever was ailing her.

At that time in my life I had a frequent problem with hiccups. While I did not have access to the high tech labs and computers that the psychologists were using, I did know how to monitor my own heart rate and in essence, listen to my body. I decided to try the technique to rid myself of hiccups. The next time I got them, I quieted myself and concentrated intently on my diaphragm. To help the focus I took my hands and actually touched that part of my body. I "told" my diaphragm that there was no need for it to be spasming and that it needed to obey me when I told it to relax. Of course, I felt pretty silly telling a part of my body these things, but hey, it was an experiment and I was going to make sure I actually did it correctly. Results? the first time was basically nothing. No effect except me feeling pretty silly. But I persisted. I figured the psych textbook experiments had to have some truth to them, so I did the hiccup relaxation technique again the next time I got the hiccups. Much to my surprise, the second time it worked. Not right away, mind you, but it did work. Encouraged by this result, I began to employ the relaxation technique every time I got the hiccups. Eventually I figured out how to literally control that part of my body. I have even learned, to some degree, how to control the hiccups of other people, if they will allow me to do so. My daughter Angie, tonight, had hiccups that would not stop. I finally walked over to her and looked her eye to eye and stated firmly, "you will stop hiccuping now". I made her hold my gaze for a few seconds and sure enough, they were gone and did not resurface the rest of the night. I have taught my other two children the same technique, and they now know how to rid themselves of hiccups simply by telling their body what to do.

That same high school psychology class made me aware of another strange phenomenon. People who are afflicted with multiple personality disorder not only "become" different characters, but they will often talk with different accents and even sometimes have different eyesight, requiring different glasses prescriptions. Yes, one personality can have different eyesight than another personality that shares the same body - it's true. This led me to believe that biofeedback might be able to be used to alter our vision. I've not figured out how to do that, yet, but am still working on it.

There have been times as an adult where I have "sent" thoughts to someone and they have received them. There have been other times when I have sent "healing" to other people and I later learned that they got better at exactly the time that I prayed for (sent) the healing to them. It has happened so frequently that I do not even question it anymore. I just accept it as truth. I simply realize that the spirit realm is quite real and quite interconnected with the physical.

There are times when I meet a person and instantly I see a bond "of light" with them. It's like a spiritual connection is there before I even meet the physical body. Other times I can see a spiritual "blockage" within people that kinda tells me where they are in life and what issues they are struggling with (blinded by or deceived by), or are out of balance in their life. Still other times, I can meet someone and know that they are bad news - that they have actually embraced a spirit that is not of God and have no desire to let it go. They like the power that the embrace gives them. These are the people I tend to avoid, for their negative vibe (their fixation on evil) is very draining and sometimes contagious.

I think that most issues that we encounter, be they emotional issues, spiritual issues, or physical issues, they can be fixed through a balancing of the body, mind, and spirit. Whether you call that bio-feedback or whether you call it accessing the spiritual realm I care not, so long as you are not approaching the matter for selfish gain. God needs to be approached in humility. If you are enthralled with the power of the spirit realm, you are summoning the wrong power. If you are overcome with the collective unity (shared spirit) of God's people and the way that you have a part to play in blessing and balancing them through him, you are on the right track. That track might simply start with a cure for hiccups, but it will take you much farther if you surrender and allow yourself to stay on it. It's a beautiful thing to walk in the light.

Addressing the symptom

One of the biggest challenges I have with the way our health system has evolved is that most doctors now view our symptoms as the problem that needs to be treated. The pharmaceutical industry is on to this trend and they make drugs largely for the same purpose - they alleviate our symptoms, yet do little to nothing to alleviate the problem that caused the symptom. In some cases the fact that we no longer are experiencing the symptoms of sickness may even cause us to put off the rest and proper nutrition that we should be doing so that our body can heal itself. Our quest to make ourselves rid of the symptoms can actually prolong the problem.

But I wonder if our penchant for treating the symptom rather than the disease stops with physical ailments or if it doesn't continue into other areas of our lives. A good friend of mine - whom I generally highly respect - made an argument against facebook this morning, by saying that to fraternize on there with people from your past can lead to extra marital affairs. While I respect my friend, I have to disagree with him on this one. Facebook does not cause anyone to have an extra marital affair any more than a bottle of rum in one's cabinet causes an individual to become an alcoholic. The affair or the alcoholism are merely the outward symptoms of an inward condition. Can we keep the problem at bay for a while if we limit access to the internet or hide all the booze? Yeah, sure. But has that fixed anything? I don't think so. If anything, all it has done is to use bondage to further mask the problem. I know the human soul longs for freedom and I am convinced that no emotional or spiritual problem is ever cured in the absense of freedom. While we can prevent one symptom from manifesting by removing access to it, invariably what happens is, unless the problem is healed, it merely manifests again as a different symptom (i.e. alcohol addiction might manifest as prescription drug addiction). Nothing has been cured - the condition that caused the person to look for an escape is still there - its symptoms have only been managed.

Holistic medicine works with the body not by treating the symptom, but rather by creating the conditions by which the body will heal itself - seeking to re-establish balance. By nourishing the parts of your body that do the healing and removing the nourishment from the things that harm it, it brings the body back into balance and harmony with the way it was intended to function. Maybe a good healthy dose of holistic medicine is what we should learn to apply in our emotional and spiritual lives. Can facebook be used as a crutch that sends nourishment to parts of our body that is causing us harm? Absolutely. I think there are also times when it can bring the nourishment to our deficient emotions. How does one determine whether it is healthy or unhealthy? I don't know that there's any easy answer to that question, but perhaps we can look at how our symptoms have changed as a guide when the "medicine" of facebook is applied. What happens when we change the "dosage"? If nothing else, asking these questions will help us to know ourselves a bit more.

I guess because we've become so results driven we feel as though we've accomplished something when we can see a milestone achieved - therefore making the conquest of a "symptom" all the more attractive. I know that where I am in life, I prefer being around people who are aware of their problems and are working to fix them to those who are problem deniers, always trying to make their symptoms "presentable" and "manageable". We're all in various levels of sickness. Let's just admit that right now. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you content with polishing up the exterior of the status quo? Or are you okay with a little constuction dust in your life while the remodel is being completed?

Do you have anger issues? Addiction issues? Chances are pretty good that those are NOT your problems - there's something deeper that's prompting you to respond with these behaviours. Fix that and most of the time the symptom goes away. Cover the symptom up, and the underlying issue consumes like cancer.

The bottom line, as I see it, is that no positive and permanent change ever occurs in a life without first experiencing the freedom that comes from humble submission. A person has got to be allowed to be free to fail and even to embrace failure. It is only in that free state can the truth in love be spoken and heard. And it is only in that free state that lasting change will ever come. There are a lot of things that people can point to that are "good" or "bad" but I think that kinda misses the point. Instead, we should be focused on submitting ourselves to God to be filled with his spirit. The presence of various symptoms merely let us know that we have not fully arrived, yet. Dwell on that, meditate on that, and the rest will fall into place on its own.

Love

I asked my daughter yesterday what the word love meant to her. She gave me the typical dumb teenager look that means something like a mixture of "why do you ask me such stupid questions" and "I have no idea how to answer your question". Then she quickly glanced at me and blurted out, "I don't know" and just as rapidly looked away so as to indicate to me that she was fine with this conversation being over before it ever really began - and that I should not expect anything in the way of a cognitive response from her.

But since I know that she has been using this word with other people, and knowing that I need to be a father, I pressed her for a more specific answer.

"Not good enough," I retorted. "If you don't know what it means to you, you need to think about it and tell me. I'm waiting."

A bit annoyed at my persistence yet knowing she needed to say something to shut me up, she thought for a minute and then said, "Ummm, I guess when you really really like someone."


Although I can say that I completely disagree with it, I don't fault her for her response. Like and love are often confused and while they can certainly co-exist, they are NOT the same thing. Like is an emotion that is based upon feelings, particularly the feelings of how another person meets (or fails to meet) OUR needs. As such, it is at its core a selfish emotion. As soon as the person that you like stops doing things that make you feel good about yourself, you will stop liking them. Like is an emotion built upon receiving, whether that be receiving compliments, gifts, stature, or pleasure, it is something that you receive from without and not from within.

On the other hand, love is an action of the will. It is something anchored in giving, not receiving, grace and not expectations, and does not cease simply because one's personal preferences have changed. In fact, I do not see love as an emotion at all. I see it as a voluntary act of submission or surrender. I believe that God is love and without him, we are utterly incapable of displaying it. Allegorical scriptures mention humans as clay in God the potter's hands indicating that we need to be moldable, shapable, humble. Other scriptures compare us to a vessel that becomes filled with the life-giving water of God. I believe that we are born empty - pure yet devoid of goodness - but when we voluntarily submit ourselves to God, we allow his character to fill us, and flow through us like we are a conduit. The love that follows is an unconditional acceptance of another person regardless of what they can do for us in return. The conduit example makes sense to me because love is counterintuitive to our basic instincts - indeed it is unnatural. In order to love, we must be submitted to an outside force that allows us to do so. The process of this submission is what I deem one's "salvation experience" and is so life-changing and eye-opening that I cannot imagine a person who has had their eyes opened to it ever giving it up more than temporarily and returning to their prior devoid state.


I often speak to people who have claimed to have had that salvation experience, but then seem to maintain an attitude of pride and selfishness. If it is true that we are merely vessels or conduits, and what's flowing out of us is pride and selfishness, then it goes without saying that what fills us then is not godly. And if we are not filled with godly things, we should not expect godly results from our actions or efforts. If we want to see someone's attitude change, we should first change our own attitude. But to do so just to make them change is nothing but selfish manipulation, it is not love. Love drops our expectations of the other person and puts their well-being ahead of our desires. It does not seek to change a person for our own sake, but seeks to accept them the way that they are, whether they deserve it or (more than likely) not. It's not a glorified position to be in, it seems foolish to most people, and it's not very rewarding many times. But it does bring one thing to your life that nothing else can bring. Peace.

And that's something that's in pretty short supply in this world.