When you least expect it

Anybody who has known me for any length of time knows that I have been warning people to prepare for something severe to happen since 2008.  A couple years ago it became clear that the worst possible outcome was going to be postponed and that would give us 2-3 years to begin setting back, storing up, and preparing for what is to come.

Unfortunately, rather than using this time to their advantage what has actually happened is that people have generally become complacent.  Though most people I talk to know "in their gut" that something is not quite right with the world, most also refuse to accept that the "new normal" will be unrecognizable to them.

The United States that used to be exists now only in the hearts and minds of those who lived through her past.  The modern USA has been co-opted by lobbyists and corporate interests that craft and twist legislation to serve their interests rather than the interest of the common man.  The currency is no longer sound and the marketplaces are manipulated.  Manufacturing has largely disappeared and with it has gone the strong work ethic that defined this nation for two centuries.

One of the things that I have been encouraging people to do is to prepare for a currency crisis.  There are many ways that one should do this, but chief among those ways is to buy some physical gold and silver and keep it in your possession.  I cannot stress this point any more that I am saying right now.  If you do not do this and do it soon, you may simply never have a chance to do so before it is too late.  No one rings a bell and tells you before your currency dies, it just happens one day.  There are warning signs, yes, but once the general public realizes that something is wrong, your time to prepare is over with.  Done.

As a financial advisor, I have heard many people over the years ask me why I didn't see this or that crisis coming and make adequate recommendations to avoid getting caught up in the crisis.  In general, it is because no crisis feels like a crisis before it happens.  It is when you least expect it that the rug is pulled out from under your feet.  This time, I'm offering fair warning.  There is a crisis on our hands and you had BETTER TAKE HEED of it.  You need to prepare in many ways.  I estimate that you have somewhere between 60 and 120 days left to prepare.  Of course, my timing could be off, but then again it might not.

The leadership of this country has been setting the example by engaging in disaster preparations for the past five years.  Recently those preparations have intensified in both frequency and in depth and strength.  Financial band-aids have been applied round the world while the wounds fester and ooze below the bandage.  We have the warning signs, but our normalcy bias tells us that in time everything will once more be okay, like it always has been in the past.

Our wealth as a nation has largely been a false prosperity - ushered in by an illusion of credit driven prosperity.  The manufacturing that used to back our economy, and the gold that used to back our currency is gone.  Reversion to the mean is in order, and it will not be slow or pretty.  I urge you once more, if you have not done so, to consider what life will be like for you if your currency collapses and to take appropriate action to prepare for it.

I have been studying alternative health for the past six or seven years so that I would not be beholden to the healthcare system.  I have been learning to garden for the past six years so that I would know how to grow at least a portion of my own food.  I have been exchanging some of my fiat currency for hard money so that I would have something tangible when the day comes that my paper dollar loses the bulk of its value.  I have been storing up some emergency supplies, in case my grocery store runs out of food and water. I have undertaken to learn some self-defense in case law enforcement is unable or unwilling to keep the peace.  I realize that I am a long way from where I need to be...but I have at least been moving in that direction.

My question to you is, if you knew that a significant disrupting event were on the horizon that would substantially alter life as you know it, would you prepare for it?  My belief is that that event is coming, and coming very soon.  In fact, I believe that it could be imminent.  Are you ready for it?  If not, what will you do to at least take a step of preparedness in that direction?  The significant event might be a bank failure (cyber attack), a war or terrorist attack, a severe natural disaster, a power grid failure, or any other number of possibilities.  But it is coming.

I urge you - in the strongest term - to get off your butt and do something about it.  If you don't, I simply can't help you.

Label me

I remember few things about my father from my childhood.  Mom and dad split up when I was a young boy, about six years old - so there are not too many things that I can say definitively that I remember about my dad and his personality.  He loved electronics.  He liked to garden. And he was quite possibly the most organized person I have ever met.  The first two traits I inherited, the third I sadly did not.  My father labeled everything.  If it could be categorized, you could find it filed away neatly on a shelf somewhere with other like objects and identified with a colorful label.  To this day I can remember the hundreds of record albums stored in our family room, organized first by genre and then alphabetically.

While this certainly has its advantages, it also has its limitations.  Not everything fits neatly into a label, which makes categorization difficult and somewhat inaccurate at times.  But the human mind seems to desire this order and so we persist.  If those labels were to stop at the widgets on our shelves, I suppose they would be nothing but helpful.

But examining a person in the same way can be troublesome.  Unlike a commoditized manufactured item that is almost identical to the one on the shelf next to it, humans are a product of infinitely different circumstances, experiences, inputs, and heritage.  No two are exactly alike.  Yet the desire to label persists.  The broadest of these labels are applied based upon nothing more than the geography of where one was born or currently lives.  They are Iranian, or American, or Chinese.  While it is true that there are certain cultural norms that are widely present in certain geographies that are not widely present in others, the idea that all 1.5 billion people living in southeast Asia can cohesively be labeled as anything should boggle the mind.  More narrowly, the labels continue with associations to a religious dogma such as Christian, Muslim, or Buddhist.  There are unquestionably some common tenets to these groups, but the fact that those who identify with one of those three words encompasses more than half the world's population, one should question the efficacy of those labels as well. They obviously mean vastly different things to those who claim membership in them.

The world of politics has plenty of labels too: conservative, liberal, communist, patriot.  The problem with all labels is that they are subject to application by people who freely define them in vastly different ways.  The label also ignores the different experiences, life circumstances, and heritage of those who might agree with part of the term has come to mean, but not all of it.  A person who calls himself a liberal, for instance, may not necessarily be supportive of abortion or gun control, while a conservative might not be supportive of prayer in schools.  These labels, like all attempts to categorize the complex thoughts of a human being, are all limiting and inadequate.  They, in fact, negate the individuality of people and deny them their own voice.  Worse, people can be assigned to a group only to have the defining characteristics of that group changed without their approval.  Such is often the case as societal agendas shift and members of that society embrace some of the new but retain much of the old.

These labels lend themselves well to stereotypes that might appear from highlighting some of the fringe elements of the "group".  Conspiracy theorists are all crazy.  Muslims think it pleases God to blow up their children.  Christians hate gays.  Americans are arrogant and fat.  Conservatives don't care about the environment.  While there is a reason why these stereotypes appeared, when they are broadly applied to a large group they are certainly found to be untrue.  Because the thoughts of the one are not the thoughts of the many.  But the very existence of the label can lead to exploitation of the members of that group by those in the media who wish to spin an agenda.  Associate an extreme person doing an extreme thing with a member of a given group and you have tarnished their image.  In fact, many unsavory individuals use a Trojan Horse tactic to infiltrate a popular cause and perform extreme acts in the name of the cause - thus redefining the cause and reducing those who would wish to be seen in alignment with that cause.  A perfect example of this - Tea Party activists (those concerned with excessive taxation) have successfully been re-branded as white racists.  Though there are surely some in the movement who are racist, the beginnings of the movement had nothing to do with race.  Who would want to wear that label?

Most of the time, people find themselves assigned to a group without having formally requesting to be assigned.  But other times, people willingly join a group simply because they derive power or a sense of identity through aligning themselves with groups of other people.  I see this happen in religion all the time.  People call themselves Christian because they want to go to heaven and think that joining a church and stating a belief in Jesus will get them there.  In some ways I think they simply want to ride someone else's coattails to the afterlife because they don't have confidence that they will get there on their own.  Al Quaeda has grown in popularity not necessarily because large amounts of people approved of their beliefs and tactics; rather, they viewed them as the only viable force to join to oppose the military intrusion of the West into their land. People joining groups for these reason generally try to figure out what the "group" believes, then (at least in public) make their lives resemble those norms.  They may have no more relationship to the group than mickey mouse does to a scorpion, but they join because they believe the group has something to offer them.  It is natural to seek power in situations like this and certain groups are conducive to granting such power.  However, it is concerning to me that some people think that by labeling themselves x,y, or z that they somehow will score spiritual points and end up gaining a place in the afterlife as a result of their self-identification.

Scripture states that while man looks at the outside, God looks at the heart.  Ultimately a person can label or be labeled all they want yet that will not change anything.  God sees the heart.  I would assert that unless one has the specific agenda to create division and disharmony, it is a bad idea on almost every level to try to categorize human beings.  Our attempts to do so are flawed at best, and quite damaging at worst.  They may make us temporarily feel better in our attempts to find meaning and purpose in life, but ultimately they only lead to division and death.  The best label a person can wear is the label that they are a human being - seeking the path of God for their life.  Encourage people to strive for this.

Homosexuality and the Bible

I've taken a nearly one year hiatus from writing blogs, so we shall see if the muse has left me.  Much as I wanted to avoid it, my attention has been drawn to this topic through numerous encounters in person, in the church, and through social media, so I felt the need to address it here.

The conversation has once again entered public debate as to whether or not homosexuality should be accepted by the population at large - embraced by business and the church - or discarded and opposed as an aberrant behavior of unbelievers who are trying to systematically dismantle Christianity.  As is my usual pensive nature, I've given a lot of thought to this prior to my writing of this blog.  The first part of it will undoubtedly anger half of the readers.  But being an equal opportunity offender, I'm relatively sure that the group who finds themselves in agreement with me at the beginning will surely be angry by the end.

The Bible appears to be fairly clear in several places that homosexuality is not something that was viewed as godly.  Indeed the Levitical law (Lev. 20:13) even proscribed the death penalty for both men who would be caught in homosexual acts.  Lest the casual observer limit the biblical view of homosexuality to just men, the New Testament (Romans 1:26) clarifies that women exchanged "natural" sexual relations for the "unnatural".  This reference implies lesbianism and perhaps bestiality had been practiced by women and in the context of the paragraph were being condemned by the writer, the apostle Paul.

Pretty cut and dry, right?  Maybe not.

First of all, it is important to view any discussion in the proper context.  If a man is standing next to his child at a busy intersection and commands his child, "Do not cross the street!", that is a specific command for a specific street for a specific reason - not a general and overarching command to the child to never cross any streets anywhere.  While the Ten Commandments were like God's Constitution - and could largely be applied as a framework for living to mankind as a whole - the Levitical law was similar to our own legislative framework.  It was Moses' attempt to take the Ten Commandments and develop rules for his society; the purpose of which was to shape and control the Hebrew people's behavior to resemble the behavior of one who embraced the spirit of the Commandments.

So why include homosexual behavior in the list of levitical prohibited acts?  The most obvious answer to this is procreation as it relates to political dominance.  We can see even today the effect of cultures who embrace procreation versus those who limit it.  The hispanic culture, known for their large families, is rapidly displacing the white culture's dominance in the USA, and the Muslims - also known for their large families - are rapidly growing their influence in western Europe.  The Israelites had just emerged from years of political subjugation and slavery in Egypt which had been prompted by fears of the Egyptian ruling class that the growing number of Hebrews (Exodus 1:9) might result in their empire falling.  Procreation resulted in economic and military might and homosexuality is very much anti-procreation.  It treats sex primarily as recreation.

Homosexuality was also prevalent in various pagan temple rituals.  The passage in Genesis 2:24 ("...the two shall become one flesh") is often cited in modern marriage ceremonies to indicate a unity or cohesion between the marriage partners - a blending of their unique characteristics to become a part of one another, forming a more complete "whole" (the Yin and Yang?).  Indeed, Jesus even referenced this spiritual concept during prayer to the Father (John 17:21) where he prayed for unity among men just as he was one with God.  The pagan temple rituals often involved a priest or priestess of the false god who would unite in sexual relations (homosexual and heterosexual) with the temple-goers as part of the worship of that god.  In this way, the worship of the false god would be self-gratifying to the worshiper and would in effect spiritually unite them with the false god by proxy through the priest.  The writers of the Bible were not unaware of this practice (1 Corinthians 6:15) and condemned prostitution in this circumstance.  Interestingly enough, prostitution in other instances was neither vilified nor prohibited.  Sampson, for instance, was not stripped of his super-human strength when he visited a Philistine prostitute (Judges 16:1-3).  God's strength only left him when he broke his Levite vow to never let a razor touch his hair.  Similarly, Rahab the prostitute was never told to "go and sin no more" by the Israelites, yet she is revered for her courage and can be found listed in the genealogy of Jesus.

Some people point to Sodom and Gomorrah as other examples of why homosexuality is so evil, yet the Bible is pretty clear that in those two cities there simply was no spiritual light.  It references a people who are so corrupt that they would take anything that was not theirs, simply for their own gratification - the very antithesis of Jesus' golden rule of treating others the way that they would want to be treated.  The corruption of those people need not be a de facto indictment of homosexuality.  Indeed, the people didn't seem to care whether the visitors were male or female - they would have raped either to satisfy their own selfish desires.  Unquestionably, selfishness is a form of pride and the Bible speaks against pride in hundreds of places.

So is homosexuality considered a sin in the Bible?  Certainly.  Sort of.  But if one considers the context of the sin, one might also come to the conclusion that using birth control (even the natural "timing method") is the same sin.  Both elevate sex to a god-like experience to be worshipped.  Both directly contradict the levitical laws encouraging large families and the first command of God to mankind to "be fruitful and multiply".  Both can be indicative of a form of pride suggesting a lack of faith in God and a desire by us to "control" our lives.  Most modern homosexuals do not stand at temple doors enjoining people to false gods, but that does not mean that the same thing could not be happening symbolically by the practicing homosexual - improper prioritizing of sex or relationship in and of themselves can be a barrier to God (You shall have no other gods before me).  Likewise, however, that barrier is not limited to homosexuals.  Many heterosexuals are driven by the same underlying motivation when they replace reliance on God with pride or another human being.  God looks at the heart, though (1 Samuel 16:7) while man looks at the outward appearance. 

Finally, this whole issue of supporting "the biblical model of marriage, one man and one woman" is a bit obscene.  Even the most cursory glances of the old testament show men of God such as David, Solomon, Abraham, Jacob, and countless others, had more than one wife.  In fact, multiple wives were codified into Jewish law as the "kinsman redeemer" was supposed to marry the wife of a deceased relative to preserve her estate and her lineage (Ruth 4).  Never, anywhere in the Bible, ever, is it stated that God's "model" is one man and one wife.  There are two or three places that are cited out of context and twisted by the "one plus one" crowd to imply such a model, but they, like our example of crossing the street above, are taken very much out of context.  It would be more accurate to cite the "Puritanical model of marriage" or the "traditional American model of marriage" because it certainly is not the Biblical model.  Nor is it the Islamic model.  Nor is it the Jewish model.

I am not gay and I think that there are a number of societal misconceptions about homosexuality that make this issue so sensitive and misunderstood, but that is neither here nor there. My intent in writing this blog today has more to do with my desire to exhort those who are attempting to "stand up for their faith" as it were, to consider where you got your opinions from, and consider if, through your thoughts and motivations, you might be engaged in the very same behavior that you are condemning.  As Jesus said to the spiritual leaders who had picked up stones to take the life of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:7), "He who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The Height of Arrogance

I grew up a pretty shy guy and I always admired my older brother's knack of being able to start conversations and make friends. One time I asked him how he did it and his answer to me began to shape my life from that moment forward. He told me to "know a little about a lot of things so that you can have something in common with just about everyone. Then when you find that commonality, ask them a lot of questions about it."

His counsel set me down a path of curiosity fulfillment where I began not only to do what he said about asking questions, but also where I began to read up on a wide variety of topics. The advent of the internet has only hastened this process in me by giving me virtual access to people all over the world to read about and communicate with through blogs, facebook, chat, videos, and numerous other ways of communication - not to mention instant access to libraries of newspapers in any one of about 200 countries at the push of a button. Over the years seeking deep knowledge and peculiar information about other cultures has become a sort of a hobby for me - something to kill time, build new friendships, and to satiate my curiosity.

Part of this curiosity led me to speaking in some depth to people of very different faith backgrounds than my own and learning not only what they believe and why, but how what they believe may differ significantly from the nominal faith that we think of when we hear the name of their religion. What I found is that very few people actually fit neatly into a "religious or philosophical box". Very few believe or practice 100% of the tenets of the group that they may associate with by name.

That being said, I have found certain beliefs that are commonly shared by many people of these groups that don't seem to make much sense to me when I examine them. One of the things that I've always found a bit odd about many hardline Muslims, for instance, is their insistence that God somehow needs help defending himself against infidel non-believers. This is how jihad is justified. Somehow, killing people in cold blood because of their belief system is considered a godly act. Our Western mindset easily dismisses this type of thinking as silly because we consider ourselves more dignified and civilized - choosing to fight our battles in the arena of the mind instead of with the sword. To me the Muslim stand on this issue is one of arrogance, essentially saying that God has appointed them as the arbiter of truth, judge, jury, and executioner.

A while back I began reading some of Gandhi's thoughts as they related to the missionary attempts to convert the Hindus to Christianity in the early 20th century. He found their conversion attempts to be curious as the people seemed more interested in winning a convert to a religion than they did in shaping and developing godly character in their converts.

Similarly I have spent a lifetime in a religion that has taught me that only people "like me" will see heaven and anyone who professes an association to another faith (or who hasn't even heard of my faith) is doomed to suffer an eternal punishment and damnation. A preacher that I heard at my church recently went so far as to make the bold claim that 2 billion people in this world have not ever heard the name of Jesus, yet they were "born guilty sinners" so they were destined to spend eternity in hell unless we abandoned our big homes, sold our possessions, and rushed over there to tell them the "good news about Jesus Christ."

In reflecting on this, I find it every bit as arrogant as the Muslim attempt to reshape the world in their image, albeit more socially palatable due to its non-violent method of conversion. Nonetheless it still makes God into an impotent being that requires our help to get his will accomplished. He "needs" us. I guess thinking that can make some people feel important for being the bearers of that news, or for possessing the hidden oracles of God that others are oblivious to. If God truly "needs" us to accomplish his will, he's a pathetic God and I don't want to serve him. Likewise, if he stands ready to condemn someone to the eternal fires of hell simply for being born in the wrong place at the wrong time, he's a sick and deranged God and I don't want to serve him.

My understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he did what he did - living the perfect life and sacrificing his life, even unto death on a cross - because we (mankind) needed a bridge to God, a justification of the entire human race. With his life and death, he bridged that gap. With his message, he taught us how to act to align our own spirit with his so that we could have the same life in us, and have it abundantly. He taught us how to deny ourselves and submit ourselves to God. I assert that Jesus' life and sacrifice is sufficient to sanctify and justify anyone in the world who seeks to submit to the spirit of God, however that person knows to do that. His teachings appear in the principles of virtually every religion and philosophy in the world. I assert that if someone is seeking to please God, they will find his spirit and the teachings of Jesus anywhere in the world. This is not to say that I believe rote recitation of any particular religion is sufficient to earn someone a ticket to heaven. I believe with all my heart, though, that God is more interested in developing our character than in getting us to proclaim an allegiance or a creed with our lips. I also believe that his character is such that he would never create someone only to subsequently doom them to hell because of lack of opportunity. There must be another answer beside the arrogant one that places us on a pedestal of importance to God and his work.

Maybe my answer isn't right, but if it's not, I'm convinced that the alternative is not, as well.

Conundrums

I always hesitate to write blogs like this - blogs about judgmental attitudes can often point back to myself as having been judgmental in the very writing of the blog. I suppose that's true. In advance, I beg forgiveness for the likelihood that in my own meditation and ponderings I've played God and judged the heart of fellow people based solely on my observations and thoughts. This blog is not intended to stand in judgment of anyone, but it is the result of me digging in to my own faith journey and finding out what the whole point of it is and what it is that I even believe in.

I've talked many times about my spiritual upbringing - it's quite diverse. Was raised in an ultra conservative Southern Baptist home with a mom who thought sex was a dirty word and a dad who thought he should leave his stack of playboys out on the coffee table for visitors to enjoy. My church said that emotion was ungodly and "dangerous" and should never be expressed towards God. I attended Lutheran school for seven years where I was required to memorize bible verses and say the apostle's creed for a grade. After elementary school each day I would spend several hours with an older extremely pro-Israel couple who loved me and my mother dearly. They actively studied biblical numerology, astrology, and biblical end-times prophecy while smoking about four packs of cigarettes a day and throwing around cuss words like they should be part of any fourth grader's vernacular. My mother taught me to *appreciate* (and use) extrasensory perception and other spiritual phenomenons while also telling me that rock and roll music was from the devil.

I later attended some charismatic churches where I witnessed some pretty amazing stuff. People speaking in different languages that they did not know, people with some nasty ailments being prayed for and healed, people becoming "drunk" in the spirit and being "slain" in the spirit to the point where they fell down and occupied a semi-conscious state for several minutes. Most impressive to me were the prophecies being uttered by "strangers" to me and the congregations, saying stuff so poignant that no one could have made that kind of stuff up. I also remember on several occasions have worship experiences that were so deep and meaningful that I was literally brought to tears in the service.

Different as these experiences have been, one thing has remained constant... there are good people and bad people in each place. My spirit has found both kinship and enmity in all of them. There are attributes of each experience that I think have positively formed me in some way - and there have been experiences in each that have left a deep and powerful negative mark, as well.

I recently attended a meeting that was primarily attended by charismatic believers where we had a great time of prayer and prophetic ministry. I have missed this depth of communion with God in prayer and was feeling the longing to be a part of that kind of church body again...when I subsequently was also met with such a "religious spirit" of condemnation and judgment, arrogance, fakery, and spiritual pride that I just wanted to run away and never return.

Many times I have considered changing churches so that I could find that group of people whom I could feel "at home spiritually with". But the more I look, the more I don't think that group of people exists - the closest that I have found don't even technically share my Christian faith. I deal with the conundrum of what to do with this faith that I proclaim. Indeed, I often wonder aloud exactly what my faith is even in. I hear people proclaim a Christian faith and then deny living the life that Jesus would urge living and the message that he taught. Makes me wonder what their faith is in, as well? They proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God and thus they consider themselves a Christian. Or some of the charismatics pray in tongues and prophecy, yet do not follow the simple commands that Jesus taught. I wonder what the point of that is? You either believe the message or you don't. It's either a part of who you are or it isn't.

I have largely found myself drawn to the people who just want to be real. If the word "shit" is on their lips, the word "shit" comes out of their mouth. If they are in the midst of a crisis of faith, they don't try to "fake it until they make it". If they stub their toe, they tell you it hurts. They do their best to be honest about everything - the bad AND the good. Not to say that it's a good idea to intentionally offend people or to live in a state of negativity; rather I'm saying I've grown weary of guessing about people's real state of mind. I'm weary of hearing someone preach "dying to the flesh" and then proceed to cling to wealth and possession over relationship. I'm pretty much done with hearing any word of instruction from any person of faith who does not have the capability to ask forgiveness for one of their actions that caused hurt and division. I prefer an honest and humble agnostic who smokes weed on the weekends to a degreed and decorated pastor who is afraid to admit his faults and shortcomings. In fact, there are many in the church who would actively tell me that it is my duty to avoid befriending that humble agnostic.

I don't want to abandon the "church" as a result of this, but I truly am in a conundrum over to what extent to be involved. I want to know and fellowship with the God of the universe, but I'm not real interested in associating with many of the people who call themselves his ardent followers. I love the grace and the blessings that flow from on high...but I think that so many "believers" have yet to allow that part of God to flow through their lives. I want to fellowship with those who are "real", but I don't want that reality at the expense of depth with God.

I have no answers. And when I have no answers inclining me to change course I generally take that to mean that I need to continue doing what I'm doing and stay on the same heading. I'm quite certain I still won't fit in anywhere. But I guess life's purpose is not for me to fit in somewhere... it is to do my best to be conformed to the image of the Son, letting his life flow through me, regardless of what goes on around me.

And so the conundrum continues.

Cycles

Even though it was a scorching 85 degrees today, most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and the summer annual plants are either already dead or they are starting to look dry and diseased. The bugs that used to prolifically fill the ground and busily swarm around my head have slowed down and dwindled significantly in number. As a result, the spiders that used to be well fed and commonplace are now much fewer and with a much "cleaner" web than would have been the case a month ago.

I happened to be standing near two of the remaining spiders today and I wondered as i stared up at them if they knew that they were going to die soon. While I know this probably seems like something silly to ponder, I really wondered it. (Several months back I watched a spider move with great dexterity and purpose as he not only trapped, but deliberately reacted to the movements of his escaping prey. I believe they can think.) If they are somehow aware of their impending death, I wonder what compels them to keep at it.

Similarly, I have been unable to escape the recurring thoughts of meaninglessness recently. It's not like it's always been this way. In fact there have been cycles of my life in which life seemed to have great purpose...only to be followed by other cycles in my life in which life seemed to carry nothing but pain. This, I am sure is no different than the others. But the thing that sets this cycle apart is that it seems far less deliberate than the other cycles. In those times I seemed to have defined goals - whether those goals were spiritual, career oriented, or relationship driven - and as such were under my perceived control. Now I seem to be at the mercy of the wind and the waves. It's almost a helplessness where you feel compelled to do something, yet you feel as though to do it will yield an unsatisfactory result, so you do nothing. Even the work that does seem to be goal-oriented doesn't seem to carry the same satisfaction that it once did as the reward for finishing the task doesn't seem as appetizing as it once may have appeared.

I know there are still worthy pursuits in the world, and I still find joy in soul conversations. But the truth be told, I am finding less and less to talk about that actually seems to matter. It's kinda like that spider who's thinking about his impending death in two days, yet wondering what's for dinner tomorrow night? Why would he even care? I suppose it's to derive whatever joy he can from the days that he's got left.

Past cycles have told me that tomorrow is a new day and this too will soon give way to yet a new direction in my life. I'm quite anxious to see that that new day and new direction will bring, because I can deal with many things in life, but lack of purpose is not one of them.

Until then, I'll sit down like everyone else and count my Thanksgiving day blessings and try to be the man that I want to see in the world. Perhaps that's my purpose and I'm not even focusing on it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone...

What's it all for?

I was standing outside in the wind this autumn morning when I looked down and saw a couple of fuzzy catterpillars scurrying near my feet. One of them was running at top speed, heading "who knows where" until he ran into a roadblock. Upon encountering this obstacle, he quickly turned 90 degrees to the right and resumed his sprint somewhere else...until he hit another roadblock and the experience was repeated. This fuzzy little creature was in a hurry to get somewhere but I'm not sure even he knew where that was. It seemed he was just gonna run until he got "there", wherever there is - probably thinking he would intuitively know when he was at the right place.

Recently I've felt a lot like that little catterpillar. Scurrying around somewhat directionless, running like I've got somewhere to go and no time to get there, but not really sure where it is that I'm going, nor how to know when I've actually arrived. Everything simultaneously seems to be of utmost importance and yet of no significance. I find it almost humorous to see the goals and dreams that each of us set, thinking that when we achieve those goals or dreams that somehow we will have found what we were looking for all along. But for many the dreams are ever elusive and for others who manage to achieve them, they seem to be nothing more than a big missed expectation.

Many have told me that I need to find my "life's purpose" and set about giving my time and energy to such a pursuit as that which fulfills that life purpose. So I find a few things that seem to align with it and pursue them. to some degree, there is life there. But today's life is tomorrow's heartache. Whether it's seeing others trample on and reject your prized "purpose" or whether it's a partial achievement of it with the full knowledge that the fullness of the achievement will never be realized, it all seems rather pointless.

Live life for the moment, I guess is what I come back to. I know there is no life in achievement, accumulation, or status. I know that even the wisest of men are thought fools by most of their contemporaries, so even the high pursuit of knowledge and truth is rather meaningless.

Yet it seems like there should be more of a point to it all. What, indeed, is it all for?

I don't know.

But I'll keep seeking, and try to find the motivation to play the games that other people demand be played. I'll try to respect all those scurrying catterpillars in my path for wherever they are going so quickly. I'll try to find a reason to keep caring even when people seem to reject the care that's offered. And maybe some day I'll find my answers. Or maybe, like the catterpillar, I'll eventually even stumble upon my "there" destination.

Or maybe not.